


almost is never enough

by myhomeisyou



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Songfic, but happy ending, michael and calum are only mentioned in this though, sort of break-up?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-25 06:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3800656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myhomeisyou/pseuds/myhomeisyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke doesn’t remember when exactly he lost Ashton, but he remembers how he gradually lost him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	almost is never enough

**Author's Note:**

> this is the result of my dramatic lip syncing to ariana grande last night, and i sort of went along with it. please be kind, this is my first time posting fic on ao3 :)) anyways, hope you enjoy!

_I'd like to say we gave it a try, I'd like to blame it all on life._  
  
Luke would say he tried his best, to say the least. He tried his best not to step over his boundaries, so Ashton won’t feel weird about him, about them, because at the end of the day, his friendship with Ashton is still the most important. But it’s hard to not get his feelings all over the place, especially when Ashton’s there, casually draping his arms around his shoulders, or kissing his shoulders whenever Luke feels upset. He can’t control the rapid beating of his heart or the giggle that erupts from his mouth when he’s around Ashton, not when he looks like he radiates sunshine whenever he laughs, or says lame jokes that aren’t even funny to Michael and Calum. Still, it puts a smile on his face, and Luke can’t help it.  
  
Sometimes, Luke sees the way Ashton stares at him, like he is his world, and the way he gets a bit jealous when Luke sits beside Calum asking for cuddles, and Ashton would immediately offer his arms.  
  
He wonders if he’s not the only one trying to hide his feelings, careful not to push the boundaries of their friendship. He doesn’t think of it that much though, because Ashton can’t possibly have the same feelings for him, so he pushes those thoughts at the back of his mind. He doesn’t blame him. He’d like to blame it on the whole fucking universe, because _why does this have to be his life?_  
  
Why can’t he fall for someone who likes him back?  
  
~  
  
_Maybe we just weren’t right, but that’s a lie, that’s a lie._  
  
After months and months of dancing around each other, in one particular morning is where those boundaries have been erased. When Luke and Ashton became more than friends, but still less than lovers.  
  
Luke woke up early that day, feeling well rested after getting a good night’s sleep. He had skipped his dinner because the minute his head hit the pillow, he was out as a light. They had been writing songs and recording vocals for hours, and his mind is drained, and his limbs feel numb.  
  
Since Ashton is still asleep, Luke gets out of their bed (Luke likes to think it’s kind of their bed now, because Ashton always knocks on his door whenever he can’t sleep, saying he’s been having nightmares lately. Luke agrees, of course) and makes breakfast this time. It’s always Ashton who wakes up before the sun even rises, cooking their breakfast, so this time maybe Luke can repay him by making a batch of pancakes and some eggs.  
  
He was carefully mixing the pancake batter in a bowl when Luke feels two arms around his waist, a pair of lips pressed against his shoulders.  
  
“Good morning, Lukey.”  
  
It sounds so domestic in his ears and it feels like he woke up in some alternate universe, where Luke and Ashton are _married._  
It just feels so right.  
  
Luke turns around slightly, and he’s met with Ashton’s sleepy face, his eyes still drooping, a smile on his lips. Luke’s mouth suddenly went dry, words stuck in his throat. Ashton is so, so beautiful, and it never fails to take Luke’s breath away. And all Luke wanted to do was to kiss him.  
  
So he does.  
  
Luke doesn’t know what came over him, all he knows is that he’s wanted to kiss Ashton for so long, and this time, he doesn’t resist his urge and went for it. He suddenly realizes that Ashton might not want this, but before he tries to pull away, he feels Ashton kissing back. He turns around properly to make them more comfortable when Luke accidentally knocks over the bowl of pancake batter, the contents thrown into Ashton’s shirt, making the both of them pull away from kissing.  
  
For a moment, Luke freezes, because he had just kissed Ashton and _Ashton had kissed him back_ and it was perfect but then he had to go and ruin it by spilling pancake batter all over Ashton. _What the fuck._  
  
He’s pulled away from his thoughts when he hears the sound of Ashton’s giggles, making all his worries melt away.  
  
“I’m so sorry, Ash-“  
  
“It’s fine, Lukey, c’mon, let’s just clean this up. We can eat at the diner down the street, yeah?” Luke nods, and sits down to help Ashton wipe the batter off the floor.  
  
They don’t talk about the kiss, but after that day, it doesn’t really stop.  
  
They share sweet kisses when no one’s around, when both of them are in their dressing room, in the darkness of their hotel room, or in the mornings at the kitchen. They don’t really talk about it, but Luke thinks that they don’t have to anyway, because Luke just feels right when Ashton’s with him.  
  
He believed that they were right for each other back then, and he wonders what changed. Luke thinks about what went wrong, when the kisses stopped, when Ashton drifted away from him.  
  
~  
  
_We can deny it as much as we want, but in time our feelings will show._  
  
Luke doesn’t remember when exactly he lost Ashton, but he remembers how he gradually lost him.  
  
He remembers how Ashton would deny him, saying the word no, the little word that makes his heart crumble. He remembers when he asked Ashton to see the new Avengers movie with him, asked if they could maybe eat at the new restaurant that opened downtown, or if they could take at the park when he was feeling sad, but Ashton said no, saying he can’t, not right now, he’s busy, or he’s too tired. Every time he asks Ashton, he hears the same bullshit excuse, but he doesn’t question it anyway.  
  
Eventually he gives up asking Ashton out, and settles to asking Calum or Michael. He notices their looks of pity when they think Luke can’t see them, but he ignores it. He makes himself believe that maybe Ashton is busy, or too tired.  
  
Before he goes to sleep, he still gets a goodnight kiss, sometimes even a cuddle, and Luke thinks that it’s enough for him.  
  
~  
  
Slowly, Luke loses Ashton, and it’s hard, but he doesn’t have to courage to ask him why, why does he keep saying no, why are they drifting apart, why can’t he stay?  
  
He tried to get used to it, but he can’t. Ashton is like a powerful magnet, and Luke can’t help but be drawn to him. There are so many words left unsaid that it built a gap between them. And it makes him angry, at himself, at Ashton.  
  
He remembers how he always cried himself to sleep at night, the lack of warmth on his bed, wondering why Ashton is probably sleeping peacefully at his own home, while he lies awake staring at the ceiling, his cheeks stained with tears.  
  
He knows it’s unfair, but it makes him angry that Ashton is doing great, seeing him always smiling, still the same old Ashton who radiates sunshine.  
  
It’s like he doesn’t care about him, like nothing has changed between them.  
  
Luke can’t get used to it, so he pretends.  
  
He stops asking Ashton out, stops expecting his kisses and his touch, and he pretends that he’s okay, he’s fine, that he doesn’t need Ashton. He goes to every party or club Calum drags him to, and he drinks his heart out, sometimes dances with a guy or girl when he’s drunk enough. He doesn’t sleep with them though, because no matter how much Luke pretends, they’re still not Ashton.  
  
In time, Luke knows that he can’t keep pretending, because after every bottle he drinks, he still wants Ashton.  
  
Sometimes, he wonders if Ashton’s pretending too, pretending he doesn’t want him, but Luke can’t find a reason why he would do that.  
  
~  
  
_Sooner or later, we’ll wonder why we gave up, the truth is everyone knows._  
  
When Luke sees Ashton with a blonde girl around his arm, _in their own fucking hotel room_ , it’s when he finally snaps.  
  
Luke and Ashton never really established their relationship status, not friends, not boyfriends, just Luke&Ashton. Luke knows that he doesn’t have the right to be mad at Ashton, but the burning feeling of jealousy keeps boiling in his stomach and it makes him sick.  
  
Ashton looked guilty when he notices Luke’s hard glare from across the room, so he talks to girl and makes her leave the room. When Ashton closes the door, he turns to Luke, a bit hesitant to walk closer to him.  
  
“Luke… Can we talk? Please?”  
  
There’s no need to talk, I get it, okay? I thought we actually had something, but I was wrong. But you know what? I don’t fucking care. I’m _done_.” Luke snarls. He’s so fucking _tired_. It’s too late for apologies, too late for explanations. Luke’s heart already hurts too much. Sometimes he wonders why he hasn’t given up yet, and he knows that somewhere deep down, he hopes that he Ashton comes back to him, says he’s sorry, and everything will be alright again.  
  
Now, he’s giving up. _There’s no fucking use, it’s like hanging on to loose thread,_ Luke thinks.  
  
“Luke, I was afraid-“  
  
“Afraid of what?!”  
  
“Of you!”  
  
Luke pauses, looks at Ashton with disbelief. Why would Ashton be afraid of him?  
  
“Of me?”  
  
Ashton nods. “Yes, Luke. For a long time I was confused. Since the day we met at the movie theater, with your stupid glasses and your emo fringe hair, you made me feel things no one has ever made me felt before.  
  
“I like you more than a friend. And I struggled with that, because you’re Luke. You’re just supposed to be my bestfriend, but the day you kissed me for the first time, I knew I wanted more than that. And that scared me.  
  
“I’ve never really liked a guy before until I met you. And that made me so unsure of myself. I don’t want to hurt you Luke, I don’t want you to become like some sort of experiment when it turns out that I don’t like you that way. So I stayed away from you. And it was the biggest mistake of my life.  
  
At this point, both Luke and Ashton can’t stop their tears from falling. Luke looks away from Ashton, wiping his tears with his hands. The sight of Ashton crying makes him weak, makes him want to wrap his arms around Ashton to calm him down.  
  
“I was so fucking confused of myself, of what I’m really feeling about you, and I don’t know what to do. But you, you were so sure about me, I can see the way you look at me, and that made me so fucking _scared_. So I tried finding someone else. I wanted to see if someone else can make me feel the way you do. But I was wrong, Luke, you’re the only one who can make me feel these things, things that words aren’t even enough to describe. I just- I know that I feel safe, contented, happy when I’m with you. I feel at home. You are my home. And it was stupid of me to run away.  
  
“Luke, I was miserable without you. I tried to pretend that I’m okay, but every day it just gets worse. Now I realize that it wasn’t worth it. Staying away from you just made me realize that I’m a shit person and I still hurt you. I’m so sorry Luke, I’m so fucking sorry.” Ashton ends his speech, his hands now covering his face, struggling to breathe as he cries. Luke reaches out to him, and holds Ashton in his arms.  
  
They stay like that for a while, Luke trying to calm Ashton down, running his hand on Ashton’s back as they sit down on the sofa. Luke lets Ashton cry on his shoulder, whispering soothing words on his ear.  
  
~  
  
_Almost, almost is never enough. So close to being in love._  
  
After half an hour of sitting in silence, arms wrapped around each other, Ashton lifts his head up and looks at Luke.  
  
“We almost had something, Luke, and I’m so sorry for ruining it, for hurting you when I-“  
  
“Stop, I get it, I understand.” Luke interrupts.  
  
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I just wished you told me. I could’ve done something. You’re not alone in this, okay? I’m scared too. But you have to know that you’re not alone. I’m always with you, and I’m here to stay.” Luke smiles, wiping the tears on Ashton’s cheeks.  
  
“Luke, if you let me, I’ll turn this almost into something real. And if you let me, I promise I’ll stay this time. I don’t have a lot to offer, but I’m willing to give you everything I can if you give me a second chance.” Ashton smiles, looking hopeful as he plays with Luke’s hair.  
  
Luke can feel his heart beating out of his chest, but he still manages to say, “I’m not asking for the world, Ashton, all I ever wanted from the beginning was you.”  
  
Ashton leans in closer to Luke, their lips almost touching.  
  
“Then you have me.” Ashton whispers, and Luke kisses him. It’s nothing like the fireworks people feel when they describe kissing their loved ones, because this is Ashton, and it’s more than that.  
  
To Luke, it feels surreal, like the world doesn’t exist around them, just him and Ashton.  



End file.
